Praise the Lord somebody. Tim, who had a chequered boyhood shared this amazing testimony with my Sister, Jana Smith, a Celebrate Recovery Minister and I can't wait to share it with someone in case it helps to bring you out of the murderous dark secrets that have become Satan's stronghold in your life. Larry
My name is Tim. I'm a believer who struggles with codependency, sexual abuse, sexual addiction and anger.
Please read Paul's glowing words in 2 Corinthians 5:16-21 about every believer's identity as a new creation in Christ.
My dad was an automotive service manager who passion was racing stock cars. When I was four years old, I went to see him race and watched in horror and disbelief as his car exploded, resulting in his death. Over the years, I comforted myself with food, and the kids at school were cruel about my weight. When I was nine years old, I was playing in the woods with my friend. His older brother, who was lying in wait for me, raped me, warning me that if I told anyone, he would kill both my mother and me.
My mom found escape from her own pain over my dad's death in alcohol. When I was ten years old, she died of cirrhosis of the liver, leaving me an orphan. I felt abandoned and afraid. I was passed around among my relatives, and one of my cousins threatened me with a knife and sexually abused me. Eventually, when I was 12, an aunt and uncle adopted me. I was an angry, untrusting, selfish fat kid who started to get into trouble on a regular basis.
I left home when I was 19, an my behavior turned increasingly dark: I engaged in drugs and alcohol abuse and had multiple sexual encounters. I married but was unfaithful, in less than two years we were divorced. During the next 21 years I remarried, fathered three children, earned degrees, became an ordained pastor, planted a church and ran a prison ministry. My sexual behaviors continued, though, as I fantasized about women I knew and acted out in secret. I was physically faithful to my wife while having numerous mental affairs. A pastor is expected to be perfect. Who could I talk to?
After we had been married for 15 years, my wife had an affair and sought my forgiveness. But I was crushed by the pain of once again feeling abandoned, and we divorced, with me accepting sole responsibility for another failed marriage. I got involved in therapy, and God prepared me for his next step. A friend suggested that I become involved in Celebrate Recovery, but I thought he was mistaken in considering me "one of those people."
One day in a coffee shop I was reading my Bible when a man walked in wearing his Celebrate Recovery cap. He invited me to join the program, and I agreed to attend on the following Friday. I fully intended to go to the Men's Anger group, but God directed me instead to the Men's Codependency group, where I've remained ever since. I also immediately joined a men's Step Study group. God's Spirit prompted me to share my darkest secrets, and for the first time in 40 years I felt unconditionally loved.
Principle Six literally changed my life. In my heart I had always hated the individuals who had sexually abused me. but God moved me to include them on the list of those I needed to forgive. I wrote both of those men letter I knew I couldn't send, letters describing the years of wreckage and pain that had resulted from the acts they'd perpetrated against me. I explained that I was extending forgiveness to them as part of my recovery. It wasn't about them, it was all about God and me. Then, suddenly, God changed my heart. I no longer wanted these men to suffer God's wrath for what they had done to me. I had indeed become a new creation. My anger simply melted away, leaving only compassion. I began to pray, asking God to forgive them for their sins against me, and in an instant he changed my heart toward those two individuals. I had hatred for over 35 years.
During my first year of recovery, I experienced more pain and shed more tears than every before. I revisited and reopened wounds I had hoped only to bury, but in the process I began to find healing. The men in my Step Study became my lifeline. To this day we continue to hold one another accountable.
Although I thought I could never open my heart to another woman, without my knowledge a friend set up a date for me. I was incredulous. As it turned out though, Lori is the most wonderful woman I've ever known. Our friendship grew into a dating relationship, we fell in love, and in March of 2003 she became my wife. Through Lori God has taught me more about his grace and love than I've ever known before.
I no longer regret my past because God has used it to bring me to where I am today. Although I revel in being a new creation in Christ, the Lord in his infinite wisdom has used and continues to use the vestiges of my brokenness to give others strength and hope. By his grace I now have the privilege of giving back by coleading the Men's Codependency group and a men's Step Study group, as well as serving as a counselor and chaplain of recovery in a drug and alcohol treatment center. I was wrong: I truly am "one of those people." And I thank God for that fact every day.
T im
Please read Paul's glowing words in 2 Corinthians 5:16-21 about every believer's identity as a new creation in Christ.
My dad was an automotive service manager who passion was racing stock cars. When I was four years old, I went to see him race and watched in horror and disbelief as his car exploded, resulting in his death. Over the years, I comforted myself with food, and the kids at school were cruel about my weight. When I was nine years old, I was playing in the woods with my friend. His older brother, who was lying in wait for me, raped me, warning me that if I told anyone, he would kill both my mother and me.
My mom found escape from her own pain over my dad's death in alcohol. When I was ten years old, she died of cirrhosis of the liver, leaving me an orphan. I felt abandoned and afraid. I was passed around among my relatives, and one of my cousins threatened me with a knife and sexually abused me. Eventually, when I was 12, an aunt and uncle adopted me. I was an angry, untrusting, selfish fat kid who started to get into trouble on a regular basis.
I left home when I was 19, an my behavior turned increasingly dark: I engaged in drugs and alcohol abuse and had multiple sexual encounters. I married but was unfaithful, in less than two years we were divorced. During the next 21 years I remarried, fathered three children, earned degrees, became an ordained pastor, planted a church and ran a prison ministry. My sexual behaviors continued, though, as I fantasized about women I knew and acted out in secret. I was physically faithful to my wife while having numerous mental affairs. A pastor is expected to be perfect. Who could I talk to?
After we had been married for 15 years, my wife had an affair and sought my forgiveness. But I was crushed by the pain of once again feeling abandoned, and we divorced, with me accepting sole responsibility for another failed marriage. I got involved in therapy, and God prepared me for his next step. A friend suggested that I become involved in Celebrate Recovery, but I thought he was mistaken in considering me "one of those people."
One day in a coffee shop I was reading my Bible when a man walked in wearing his Celebrate Recovery cap. He invited me to join the program, and I agreed to attend on the following Friday. I fully intended to go to the Men's Anger group, but God directed me instead to the Men's Codependency group, where I've remained ever since. I also immediately joined a men's Step Study group. God's Spirit prompted me to share my darkest secrets, and for the first time in 40 years I felt unconditionally loved.
Principle Six literally changed my life. In my heart I had always hated the individuals who had sexually abused me. but God moved me to include them on the list of those I needed to forgive. I wrote both of those men letter I knew I couldn't send, letters describing the years of wreckage and pain that had resulted from the acts they'd perpetrated against me. I explained that I was extending forgiveness to them as part of my recovery. It wasn't about them, it was all about God and me. Then, suddenly, God changed my heart. I no longer wanted these men to suffer God's wrath for what they had done to me. I had indeed become a new creation. My anger simply melted away, leaving only compassion. I began to pray, asking God to forgive them for their sins against me, and in an instant he changed my heart toward those two individuals. I had hatred for over 35 years.
During my first year of recovery, I experienced more pain and shed more tears than every before. I revisited and reopened wounds I had hoped only to bury, but in the process I began to find healing. The men in my Step Study became my lifeline. To this day we continue to hold one another accountable.
Although I thought I could never open my heart to another woman, without my knowledge a friend set up a date for me. I was incredulous. As it turned out though, Lori is the most wonderful woman I've ever known. Our friendship grew into a dating relationship, we fell in love, and in March of 2003 she became my wife. Through Lori God has taught me more about his grace and love than I've ever known before.
I no longer regret my past because God has used it to bring me to where I am today. Although I revel in being a new creation in Christ, the Lord in his infinite wisdom has used and continues to use the vestiges of my brokenness to give others strength and hope. By his grace I now have the privilege of giving back by coleading the Men's Codependency group and a men's Step Study group, as well as serving as a counselor and chaplain of recovery in a drug and alcohol treatment center. I was wrong: I truly am "one of those people." And I thank God for that fact every day.
T im
